Tuesday, November 17, 2015

I am not a victim, I am a survivor

Often I have heard so many times "I am broken, so why should I be a better person?"

I have seen so many people who have so much potential give it up. Because something terrible happened in their life. At that point they stop. They stop caring, they stop progressing forward. They start making decisions that they probably should not of made. They say and do things that they never would of done.

Too many times I have seen scares become an identity. Too many times have I seen hope become forgotten, as despair becomes their motto.

Are you a victim? Doesn't matter of what, of anything. Are you a victim of a bully? of a sex crime? Did someone lie to you? Did you have bad parenting? A bad education? Or did someone miss use your trust? Or by chance did cancer steal into your world? The list goes on and on. But it is still the same question. Am I a victim, or a survivor?  Did you push ahead? Did you not let what ever came stand in your way of becoming who you are today? Or did that event or events create who you are? Don't get me wrong, every life experience we have will make us into who we will be. But the question is, will it make you, or will it break you?

Those who read this wont know my whole life story. Some may know me and a little of my story. Although I know many of you will not know. So I will give a brief introduction into how I have learned this concept of making a challenge into a ladder to climb, or a stairway to ascend.

I am almost 21 years old. I am a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a mother. When I was 11 years old my older sister my hero, was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of 13. She under went chemotherapy, but the tumor grew. She then went through radiation, again the tumor grew. She ended up spending her 14th birthday in the hospital for brain surgery. Her tumor has not grown since, but that does not mean all is well. My family has had to watch her go threw the after effects of chemo, radiation and brain surgery. The medications prescribed to her sometimes made things worse more times then not. She suffered from seizes for years. And she continues to suffer from extreme vertigo which causes many set backs. I can not describe to you unless you've been there the feelings. When you hear the words at the age of 11 that your sister, your hero has a brain tumor. There are no words, and I am a writer. When you go to church, to school and cringe at every loud noise. Knowing your sister could drop into a seizure. When that fire alarm would ring at school and your on the other end of the building and because it is a drill your not aloud to go make sure she is okay. There are no words, none to describe the heartache the pain. When my sister is one of the hardest workers I know, yet she can not work. What employer will hire someone who will work hard for them for one or two days but be down for a week? It breaks my heart to see the things I have that are so easy that are mountains for her. Although slowly she improves, one day she will be healthy again. But its hard to watch.
Then at the end of my senior year, at the age of 18 disaster hit again. My brother who was 16 at the time was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. The doctors were not hopeful, and gave us little hope. I do not remember that year very much. I remember the heartache, the pain. I remember crying and breaking down out of the blue because I was powerless to heal him. And to top it off when you walk down a hospital hallway and all the rooms on the cancer floor are filled with children. There are no words. There is no word to the anguish you feel for those fighting the battle to live behind those closed doors. My brother was one of the oldest children who were there. While he was fighting my family got to know a few others and out of the 3 we really got to know. Only 1 is here still today. My brother is thankfully now cancer free. But if it comes back, there is nothing the doctors can do.

These two trails are two that I can think of at this moment. But I will say that they have only been the frosting on the cake to the last 20 years of my life. It seems as soon as one thing happens and dies down and things start going good again, something else happens. But you have to keep looking forward and beyond.

Too many times I have had people tell me these things: "your so strong" ,and " How are you so positive? How did you come out happy?"

When people say these things too me, I have a moment of pause. A moment of confusion. Because I don't understand it. The way I see it is my life is easy compared to others. My life is blessed. I do not have an easy life but I have a good one. And as I look at it, it is because I focus on the good on the positive. I do not give ear to the doubt inside me. To the despair of the occasion. So many wonder how I have been able to create something good out of something bad. And its simple. Its called you keep going. If you continue walking, and moving eventually you will hit something good in life. You just need to keep going, and remember that your worth something better. Remember that you are worth accomplishing your dreams.

When I was 12 years old I thought my life had absolutely no meaning. I remember being alone allot of the time because my family was divided. My mom ,sister and little brother were up north for my sisters treatments. My dad was working , and working hard to pay the bills. My older brother was not around. It was me and my younger sister. And it was hard. I didn't have someone to lean on at school when the day got hard for me. I didn't have someone to talk to when Dad worked late and the house was quite. I started thinking about suicide. I started thinking really hard about it. At this time one of my truest friends moved to town and she helped give me a hand to hold. A shoulder to lean on at school. She gave me more then hope. And as our friendship grew I started seeing things differently. How could I be so selfish to think of causing a bigger hole in my family? How could I cause more pain to my family? And I could see my baby sisters face if I killed myself. But another thing I could see, was my future. I knew that one day I would become a wife, a mom. I knew that one day I would marry. Who would be a wife to my husband if I were gone? Who would be a mother to my children if I weren't here? Yes I was only 12, and 13 at this time, but I started thinking of a future without me. and I could not allow that to happen. I started making plans, dreams and goals.

When my brother got sick I was dating my husband. We were married a month after my brother was finally able to come home. We became parents to a beautiful baby boy a year latter. We have a beautiful home, and live in a beautiful town. We both have loving and supporting families in the area. We both work jobs, and work as parents. But you know what is truly important. I am here not as a victim of the cruelties in life. But I am here as a survivor. I am here to be a mother, a wife. I am here today because I didn't quit when life got tough.

I know that not many read my blog posts. I know that not many will ever see this post. My hope is that if one person reads this, and it gives them hope. Or teaches them something positive to help them in their lifetime. That is why I wrote this.